By REED NELSON
Much has been made of the Cavs slow start. They’re 5-5, Kevin Love has been admitting things are tough, Kyrie Irving has been oscillating his style of play between IDGAF and Does This Look Right? and LeBron James has looked very unLebron-like.
Thus far, the Cavs early slow play has been plausibly attributed to early jitters, Kyrie’s insistence on not playing point guard while playing point guard 1, David Blatt’s minute allotment and LeBron’s rejection of the low-post, among other things.
These are all totally reasonable, rational, tenable arguments. They probably all hold water.
But the one thing they’re patently refusing to acknowledge is this: LeBron James is not a human being.
See? Regardless of what science has to say about the matter, in Exhibit A, the one on the left has more in common with a Love Sac than he does with LeBron. Additionally, in Exhibit B, Raymond Felton appears to share more DNA with the same feather-filled furniture than he does with LeBron. Why am I making an argument that the Love Sac is more of a traditional human being than LeBron James? Because in the whole wide world, there are infinitely more Love Sacs than there are LeBron James. So, numbers.
Sure, the Royal We share similarities with The King. But unlike the rest of us — what with our bow-leggedness, glass bones, awkward smiles, small hands, slow feet and muscles that clearly obey the normal laws of gravity — LeBron is basically perfect. He’s an athletic hybrid of Randy Moss and Karl Malone, who spent a few summers performing Vulcan mind melds with Hakeem Olajuwan, just ensure the rest of the NBA would remain under his presumably very strong thumb for the rest of time.
But thus far, he’s looked meek. He’s looked weak. He’s looked flappable, and he looks drained.
Like I said, attempts have been made to figure out why. I am making another one of those attempts here, but the main difference is that I have no concern for reasonable, rational or tenable arguments. Because Lebron’s game, when firing on that red 100 emoji, is not reasonable, rational or tenable. He traverses the court in about a step and a half, has the in-air body control of a gymnast, bullies even larger humans in the post, jumps passing lanes with a force that somehow amounts to shrewd abandon (a fever state only he and one other have been proven to achieve) and otherwise can take over a basketball game with a greater ease than us mere mortals possess when we operate a toaster.
So, here are 10 Plausible Explanations For LeBron’s Non-Superhuman Play When Considering That LeBron, Is In Fact, A Superhuman.
1. He’s still in the arduous process of composing handwritten thank you cards to every single person involved in that Nike “Together” commercial 2. And because all of Cleveland, most of Akron and even parts of, inexplicably, Milwaukee showed up for the shoot, it’s taken him a long time. Currently, he’s through the D’s. 1-2-3… HARD WORK! 4-5-6… TOGETHER!
3. Along the same lines as Leech, Mister Swackhammer. What? Exactly. Many of us Space Jam zealots have been long-convinced that LBJ would take over the Jordan role in a Space Jam reboot whenever Hollywood decided we could have nice things again. The Space Jam Reboot has basically been a standing topic of conversation amongst my friends and I for the better part of a decade. The debate that fuels the conversation, however, only centers around the five players with stolen talent. No matter what Kobe Stans have to say, LeBron is the only logical successor to MJ’s Wayne Knight-disparaging, arm-stretching, UNC practice shorts-clad lead. The supporting cast pretty much always had Dirk —because he’s awesome — but proposals for the other members have always been met with contentious debate. But… but… BUT WHAT IF THEY FLIPPED THE SCRIPT IN SPACE JAM 2, CALLED IT SPACE JAM: GROUNDED, HAD THE PROPRIETORS OF MORON MOUNTAIN STEAL LEBRON’S TALENT INSTEAD OF STEALING THE OTHER PLAYERS’ TALENT AND THAT PLOT TURNED OUT TO BE REAL. Here’s how it would play out: The Nerdlucks, whom you may remember as the pre-Monstars, realized the foibles of their past plan. Instead of playing themselves, they’d sell LeBron’s talent to the highest bidder. The Knicks, desperate for LeBron’s talent, jump on the offer and purchase the glowing ball of talent. However, once the franchise-saving talisman is inside MSG, the Knicks’ front office immediately lose track of it. Through a hilarious (trust me) happenstance, the ball ends up in the hands of Pat Reilly, who promptly takes the ball back to Miami. He then gives LeBron’s prodigious skill set to Josh McRoberts and destroys the ball, making the gift permanent. The film closes with Reilly muttering, “You think you’re powerful, LeBron? I got your Talents back to South Beach without you.”
4. He was far more affected by this summer’s Trouble in Bey-Z Land then we could have ever anticipated.
5. These were the only things he said to close personal friends over the course of five weeks after getting home from Brazil, in order, all via text thread:
– “Have you guys seen Breaking Bad?”
– “Have you guys seen The Wire?”
– “Omar is my hero.”
– “Have you guys seen Friday Night Lights?”
– “#TeamSaracen. Fuck JD McCoy.” “Have you guys seen GOT?”
– “Tyrion is my dude.”
– “I have fallen into Shondaland. Help me. Oh wait. Actually don’t. I’m digging what Olivia is doing right now.”
6. He might be 75 percent of his old self, but he is most definitely an A-Lister on Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
7. After Beats By Dre sold for approximately infinity dollars, LeBron realized that he was super, super rich. And also really happy. So, in honor of being super, super rich and really happy, he decided to allow his peers the opportunity. The only problem? He was so much better at basketball and business and life and Birthday Party Tours than his peers, that it was hard to imagine a world in which they would be a principle investor in a burgeoning headphone company. So he decided that he could play worse to build up their “brands” in the hopes that they could also achieve McDuck wealth and Guatama happiness. Oh, also in this scenario, LeBron is probably both Siddhartha and late-play Daddy Warbucks.
8. He’s joined Kyrie and K-Love (who, it must be noted, is the nephew of Mike Love, Beach Boy founding member, and related to literally all the other original Beach Boys) in whatever extracurricular activities are currently striking their fancy.
9. Robot legs need WD-40. Seems like a simple enough fix.
10. Pat Reilly, known sorcerer and proven practitioner of witchcraft 3 reduced all of LeBron’s abilities by exactly 23 percent, because he decided it would be both numerically poetic and philosophically terrifying for his once-favorite Slayer of Dreams. LeBron, because he’s a genius both intellectually and athletically, immediately realized that something was off, calculated the exact percentage of decline, and had a freak out that caused him to dribble a basketball off his leg with the Spurs game on the line. Only explanation.
Bonus! He’s just super tired from making a move that will probably go down as the most messianic thing not associated with Christ. Which is acceptable I guess.
Until he rights the ship, let’s all give it up for the guys currently occupying the top 3 of ESPN’s PER page, starting with Anthony Davis! (We’ll get more of you, so you can sit down.)
Next we have Brendan Wright! Congratulations! Use this time to invest in headphones.
Finally, Marreese Speights, come on down! Somehow, you’re leading your fabulous Golden State Warriors team in PER. Bathe in this now, Mar, Stephen Curry is about one made free-throw away from passing you. But hey, you made it.
And mostly you have LeBron to thank.
- He hasn’t recorded a game-high assist total in a single game this season, or even managed 10 in a night (arbitrary, but traditional). At the same time, he’s found ways to chuck 15 shots or more in seven of Cleveland’s first 10 games. Even Dion Waiters dished out a game eight against Atlanta. Considering there are still nights when Alpha Centauri Black Hole 4H: Dion Waiters is acting like more of a facilitator than your point guard, I don’t the Kyrie gripe has been unfair. Overblown? yes. Unfair? no. Jump
- The one that released at the end of October in deservedly dramatic fashion, only to eventually piss off everyone not in Cleveland by the first week of November in spectacular fashion. Jump
- Obviously not true, but not because he can’t practice it. Riles chooses not to, because he’s only mostly evil. Jump