11 Places Chip Kelly Won’t Land in 2013

By REED NELSON SAL0404- Ducks spring fball

Since last December, Chip Kelly has been rumored to be flying the Eugene coop. The first whispers came from Tampa Bay, but Kelly decided to stay with Oregon for at least another season.

At this point, however, the whispers have turned into shouts, and considering Kelly himself is playing this like Chief Bromden, all the speculation concerning his 2013 whereabouts is rooted about as deeply as a staple. So in honor of speculation, and the Ducks 11-1 season, we bring you the 11 places that you won’t find Chip Kelly in 2013.

11. In the head coaching office at Gillette Stadium. Despite rumors saying otherwise, Bill Belichick is not quitting his job and moving back in with the Devil. Those rumors might have started in the previous sentence, but that doesn’t alter the status of the rumor. Nor does it alter the chance that Chip will take over as Darth Sidious on the NFL’s Death Star.

10. Coaching the Liverpool Football Club. Despite Kelly’s strong New England ties, the English soccer team’s new New England ties and Liverpool’s recent struggles, Kelly has been known to prefer halibut over cod, thus rendering London out of the running.

9. Working alongside Hank Schrader as his new scratchy-voiced partner on AMC’s Breaking Bad. While most respected critics agree that Chip’s raspy voice, cool demeanor and strong, silent persona would play great alongside Dean Norris’ Schrader, Chip’s objections to the maltreatment of Recreation Vehicles (also known as RV’s) in the first two seasons of the show caused him to rebuff AMC’s numerous — and lucrative — offers.

8. Filling in for ousted CIA director, David Petraus. His uncrackable sideline poster code have made him a leading candidate to replace the embattled general since he came on to the CIA’s radar back in 2009, when the now infamous “White Castle-Neil Everett-Fire Engine-Ralphie From A Christmas Story” poster was raised during the third quarter of the Oregon-Washington game. It is still, to this day, recognized as the most indecipherable example of code in the history of man. Kelly, however, believes that the CIA is creepy, and, if it came down to government agencies, he would much rather keep his company with the guys down at NASA. NASA is not a possible Kelly employer, however.

7. Portraying Rick Moranis’ new coaching nemesis in Little Giants 2: Ice Box Goes to College. He was thrilled by the offer, but thought that upstaging Mr. Moranis at this point in his fragile career might be a little much. In related news, Chip has considered taking an off-season role as Tranio, Lucentio’s versatile and loyal servant in a Lane Community College production of the Shakespeare classic The Taming of the Shrew

6. At Cal.

5. Selling brine shrimp in the Greater Salt Lake Area. The profit margins proved to be too slim despite a lucrative partnership offer made by psychedelic guru Daniel Pinchbeck. Plus, Chip prefers his lakes to be peppered, if altered at all.

4. As a contestant on Killer Karaoke. Chip hates snakes, and Steve-O can’t play a goddam song without throwing goddam snakes at his guests, which isn’t a Chip-approved party. You can be fairly certain that he won’t end up on Dancing With the Stars, Wipeout or Baggage Battles either. Just a hunch.

3. Hosting a morning talk show. Michael Strahan might have made the leap, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy leap to make. Jeremy Renner’s Aaron Cross from The Bourne Legacy is the only other brave soul who has succeeded in making it across the treacherous chasm, but once he got there he just asked about his pills and kept moving. Chip might be brave enough, but he hasn’t exactly been the loquacious type that talk show producers are searching for.

2. Working as New Era’s new sales representative. Chip Kelly would never cheat on visors like that. Ever1.

Screen shot 2012-12-17 at 3.52.48 PM

1. On the sidelines at Autzen Stadium. His silence might bode well for his future in Eugene, but at the same time, it could be a horrible harbinger of doom. That’s the brutal nature of silence; those who stay silent hold the power. If Kelly (notice the name shift) does stay in Eugene, on the sidelines, it will be a bigger shocker than the Homeland finale. He will be executing the last lines of a movie that would never get made due to sappy implausibility. He still might, but at this point, the field is a safer bet.

Footnotes

  • Save this photo here, which is inexplicable at best, blasphemous at worst. Our I-Team is still investigating.Jump

ncf_chip_kelly2_600



Categories: Analysis, Best of..., Features, Just for fun, News & Notes, Nooooooo

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