Chip Kelly’s Diary: USC cheated and the Cal game

By REED NELSON

The Coach’s Diary series takes us past the interviews, the fake smiles and the rehearsed responses, and delves deep into the things Pac-12 coaches don’t say to the media.

The Ducks have had nearly four days since their big win over USC, and as we know Chip Kelly sits down at his work desk — constructed of solid oak extracted from the remains of the original Santa Maria — and pens a daily diary entry. We at QuackTownUSA, through rigorous investigative work, consistent neglect of trespassing laws and little regard for the validity of our sources, have obtained this diary for your reading pleasure, then inconspicuously placed it back on his desk, so he is none the wiser.

Wednesday, November 7th: Humpday

I decided to wear a new jacket today, but kept the visor streak rolling. Alive since ’05 baby.

I also got to drop some knowledge today after practice. I knew Robert Woods was going to play, I just knew it. Everyone else said he wasn’t. Guess what? He totally did. Chip told you so.

These guys keep asking me about the potential QB situation coming into the Cal game, whether Zach Maynard will play or not.

Here’s a hint, guys: It doesn’t matter who Cal runs out there this weekend, because I smell blood motherf*cker. We just picked off Matt Barkley twice, and save a phantom P.I. penalty and a late check-out by our defense, we would have held those pretty boys below 40.

Am I worried, Diary? Sort of, but in the way that driving in the winter worries me because of the potential of black ice.

More good news today, too: After Kenjon’s biggest workload, he’s showing no sign of fatigue. It looks like the Rocky IV workout plan we put him through this offseason is paying off.

By the way, this construction is awesome. It’s like practicing by an airport. We can’t be bugged, unless one of the construction workers works for the SEC. OHMYGOD. What if one of the construction workers works for the SEC???? I’m looking into this.

Thursday, November 7th: USC Cheated?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So USC was cheating on Saturday. That’s what I was told. They supposedly deflated five footballs in the second half, making the balls easier to catch.

I think it also makes the footballs harder to throw, but I won’t bring that up. I like when USC is branded as a cheater. It helps me land kids like De’Anthony. And it also takes the focus off of our ongoing investigation.

Whoops. Didn’t mean to put that one out into the universe. Stuffing it back in… now.

But USC has supposedly fired their student manager who deflated the footballs, and are classifying him as a “rogue force” within the program. I won’t even get into the history of “rogue forces within a program,” but I know that even the wild one’s report to me on some level here. I was kind of hoping that they were filling their Gatorade tubs with HGH, but I’ll take it.

I’m not mad about it either, though, because we beat the daylights out of the USC defense. I’ll let sleeping dogs lie, and let ol’ Laney run himself into the ground on this one.



Categories: Coach's Diary, Just for fun

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