By REED NELSON
The Coach’s Diary series takes us past the interviews, the fake smiles and the rehearsed responses, and delves deep into the things Pac-12 coaches don’t say to the media.
Following the Ducks big win over USC, Chip Kelly sat down at his work desk — constructed of solid oak extracted from the remains of the original Santa Maria — and penned a diary entry. We at QuackTownUSA, through rigorous investigative work, consistent neglect of trespassing laws and little regard for the validity of our sources, have obtained this diary entry.
Sunday, November 4th: Travel Day
This years non-conference schedule was boring. Really boring. I even threw in four kids from Northwest Christian University’s soccer team in against Tennessee Tech and we still won by 49. I lined up at TE against Colorado last week, but because the crowd left in the first quarter, no one even saw. Not even the Pac-12 Network’s Yogi Roth noticed.
And our conference schedule hadn’t been much more interesting either. We show up, we survey and we conquer. Every week. If I need suspense in my life, I now have to watch Homeland.
But I must say, the monotony is getting to me. I even considered starting Isaac Remington at QB last weekend, but he was an idiot and spent the weekend before last getting caught by the police.
As I always say, ‘It’s not a crime until you get caught.’ Well maybe I don’t say that, but Willie Lyles sure does. But none of that matters now, because we actually had a game on Saturday.
The stakes weren’t what I had hoped (Thanks Lane, see if I send you a Christmas card this year) but we still had to go to LA, and shut down that pretty boy Matt Barkley and his two fantastic wide receivers.
Boy, those two are impressive. Between you and I, Diary, I think I’d suck Vegemite off Robert Wood’s toes. I won’t even get started on the lengths I’d go to impress Marquis Lee, because I just couldn’t say enough, but I’ll try: He’s the bees knees, the cat’s pajamas, the horse’s foreskin, the spies pie. I’m done.
But it doesn’t matter how well they did, because we won. We defeated USC. We even covered the spread. We still gave up 50 points, which I wasn’t happy about and I even found a camera well and tried to shatter the thing with a death glare. It didn’t work, but the rest of the game was fun.
There’s a reason that we ain’t Hard Knocks. Did you see how confused Lane looked? It was like that one time that I pants’d him in the lunch line at the Pac-12 coaches meeting. People forget that I’m sneaky, but that’s all a part of being sneaky. And I’m the sneakiest. Well, the sneakiest besides Riley Cooper. He did everything short of wearing Halo 4’s Active Camo during the Eagles kick return on Sunday.
NOTE TO SELF: Talk to Uncle Phil about Nike developing a uniform featuring the Active Camo feature from the Halo series.
Oh, and I guess I’ll have to use Kenjon like a feature during the homestretch. His 321 yards, besides being numerically appealing (something I cherish), were too many to ignore. Now people might actually question why he was only getting like 12 touches a game. I hate when people tell me what to do.
Time to get ready for Cal, Diary, and then the rest of our real season. But for tonight, it’s simply time for a Bud Light Lime.
Monday, November 5th: Practice back at Autzen
GOSH. These reporters think they’re sooooo clever with their little barbs about Kenjon’s practice time. You know what I hate more than anything else, save people telling me what to do? When people, especially reporters suggest something sort of weird to you — but sensible nonetheless — and they do it in a way that suggests that I’ve never seen it.
‘Hey Chip, I noticed that Lane Kiffin gave Marquis Lee time off in practice the week after Arizona. Would you do the same for Kenjon?’
Oh, you did notice? You know what I noticed? The gameplan that I mapped out that led to 730 yards against USC. Another thing I noticed? They never have let that happen. Ever. They’ve played football there before my father could wipe his own ass. In his lifetime, we’ve landed on the moon, passed civil rights bills, invented computers, the internet, television, mobile telephones, hybrid cars, Slurpee machines and Bud Light Lime.
‘Hey Chip, I noticed that visors went out of style in 2001. Have you considered switching the look up?’
No, asshole. I noticed it too. Now it’s my thing. It’s my look. Get over it.
‘Hey Chip, USC plays in Los Angeles, and I’ve noticed that the LA Times covers them. You agree?’
Yes I agree. But stop trying to impress me with your observations. That’s your job, kid. Mine is to provide you with something to observe. I get it, I’m just not your boss. I’m Alioti’s boss. And Nick doesn’t ask questions in private, he just grunts and cackles. It’s very strange. But I like strange. Kenjon’s hair cut is strange.
Tuesday, November 6th: Cal Media Day
Diary, do you know that there’s only three things that make me angrier than press days? They are, in order: Losing, missing the 1:15 a.m. Aqua Teen Hunger Force and World Hunger.
I feel like people might think I’m grumpy, but I just don’t like answering questions. I feel like, by running a football team that averages 54 points a game, there is very little to question me about.
I do have a little bit of sympathy for those guys, though. It’s got to be tough creating a narrative out of this season that doesn’t involve the BCS standings, disrespect and Kenjon Barner.
Take away those three teams and it’d be like writing a recap of an unimpeded Amtrak trip from Boston to Washington D.C.
But I just don’t like it. Sometimes, I just wish I coached in 1954, when people cared about other things besides football. Then I could just coach, win and drink Bud Light Lime at the Electric Station without anyone bugging me. And THEN I realized that if I did coach in 1954, I couldn’t bring sexy back with my sweet visor. Then we’d all be at a loss.