By REED NELSON
Welcome to the SkoDucks LiveBlog! It is here where we combine words at will, and in the coming weeks this will actually update like a true live blog, but for now, we’re working on the honor system.
7:32 p.m. — First observation: Love the uniforms. The green/yellow scheme is great. The yellow helmets streaked with the go-f*ck-yourself mirrored wing-ish things is gorgeous. That they didn’t go with the neutral grays, graphites or whites is even better. But enough with the sartorial subjectivity.
7:36 p.m. — Kickoff time. De’Anthony Thomas to receive. Light the fuse.
7:37 p.m. — Bunk fuse. Dion Jordan just fair-caught a squib at the 35. On the bright side, we’ve learned how to pronounce Marcus Mariota’s last name (it’s Mary-OH-Ta, according to the Matt Millen-led tutoring session). Anddddd Kenjon Barner is loose. 20 yards on his first carry.
7:39 p.m. — 3rd and 14. Gulp. Mariota is cool as a cucumber though, first down Ducks. And DAT for another 14. Typing is exhausting with this bunch. Touchdown #1 for Kenjon Barner. I’m calling it here and now, 2,000 yards, 20 TD’s. Just stay healthy, Kenjon.
7:40 p.m. — And as an extra F-you from Chip, the Ducks elect to go for two in their off-set. And convert it. On a pass from punter Jackson Rice to defensive end Dion Jordan, “From punter to defensive player for the two-point conversion.” Couldn’t have made it sound weirder myself, Joe Tesatore. Well played. 8-0 Oregon. 13:16 to play in the first.
7:44 p.m. — Kiko Alonzo comes up with a stop, but the Canadian missile, Boseko Lokombo has the coolest last name since Tim Biakabatuka. FACT. #RashaadSalaam
7:50 p.m. — The “O Collection” was just profiled. Must investigate further. And on that note, MaryOHtah’s first incompletion. The way Millen is pounding this home, I feel obligated to go phonetic.
7:51 p.m. — Two firsts: DAT’s first breathtaking run (he does a mean Barry Sanders) and the first “GODDAMMIT” holding penalty of the season. Plan on more of both.
7:55 p.m. — DAT’s first TD. Wild one-hander. He’s exciting.
7:58 p.m. — The Ducks have more points (15) than plays from scrimmage (14).
8:00 p.m. — This isn’t getting easier. But it’s not nearly as bad as it must be for Arkansas State. Oregon 22, Arkansas State 0. Josh Huff hauls one in. 7:57 to play in the first. Seriously, barely seven minutes of gameplay have elapsed and Oregon is only 15 points away from covering the unholy spread. Took them long enough. Welcome to Autzen, Mr. Sun Belt.
8:17 p.m. — The break was somewhat pizza related, my apologies. Back on task, for now at least. Kenjon Barner scored his second. It’s 29-0 with three minutes left in the first quarter. They’re on pace to score 116 points. Even if the Ducks score a measly 50 in the first half, Puddles might need recitation. He’s already done 74 pushups in the first quarter alone, and judging by his recent activity, he’s not in midseason form.
8:22 p.m. — Arkansas State’s logo looks like a Van Wilder’s Coolidge College’s most hated rival, State. stAte? Really? I know the A is symbolic, but someone in the graphic design department at the other ASU had to have seen one of the American Pie offshoots. I feel like I’m watching Boy Meets World. But enough about that. Arkansas State trails 29-0 at the end of one. They picked up a first down on a defensive holding, but that might have matched their net offensive output up to this point.
8:30 p.m. — This Jarboe character’s dreads are ridiculous. I don’t know what a Jarboe is, but his dreads are lipstick red on the bottom. Strange. His end around brings the Red Wolves offensive output to 84 total yards. He must have 14 receptions totaling six yards if there’s a silver lining to be had.Yes, Arkansas State has a mascot. No, it’s not a real thing. Maybe Jarboes dreads ARE the mascot. I’m on to something.
8:31 p.m. — First points conceded by the Ducks in 2012. 29-3.
8:39 p.m. — Just to keep things even, De’Anthony Thomas scores his second. Let the battle begin, boys. And just to make George and myself angry, I tossed this hypothetical out there: What if New England springs for DAT in two years, and in Tom Brady’s last two seasons at the helm, he has a faster, shiftier, dirtier version of Wes Welker blasting out of the slot? Wouldn’t that be awful? Oh, 110 pushups for Puddles. 36-3.
8:46 p.m. — De’Anthony’s is a beast. And a weasel. And a ferret. And a cheetah. And a… you get the point. He had a cut back, shoulder-shrug, stutterstep to Barry Sanders to-and-fro 33-yard touchdown run that stood. He is ridiculous. His third score brings the tally to 43-3. First shot of Puddles. He looks tired.
8:59 p.m. — 50 points, 21 minutes and 54 seconds. It’s turned into an Old Yeller situation. But on another note, Puddles has done 203 pushups in under an hour and a half. The recitation joke might turn super insensitive in a moment. They have seven possessions, their average time of possession is 1:32. They’ve scored every possession.
9:05 p.m. — You’d figure a team that wasn’t planning on moving the ball a whole bunch would have their punting game down. Last joke at the Red Wolves expense, I swear. Mariota is out with six to play in the second quarter. His numbers: 18-22 200 yards and 3 touchdowns. Seven series, seven touchdowns. Barner is done too, it looks like (9 carries, 66 yards and 2 TDs). We have a Bryan Bennett sighting. There should be a clause that lets a coach quit at halftime, like, ‘Look, you’ve covered, we’re embarrassed, can we just pretend like we played the second half and avoid the really awkward fourth quarter?’ Savannah State wouldn’t oppose, no sir-ry Bob.
9:11 p.m. — Chip Kelly hates field goals for a reason…
9:12 p.m. — Arkansas State’s Ryan Aplin hits Julian Jones for 72 yards, HOUSE. Just wanted to type that in favor of the Wolvesssss. As Oregon clings to a 50-10 lead (if you’re taking the points, its only a three point game!!!!!!!!!) I’m signing off for now. Or after this: Bryan Bennett is getting burned. A missed field goal on his first piloted drive, and a total not-his-fault-for-hitting-his-receiver-in-the-hands pick on his second. I feel for you, Bryan.
9:30 p.m. — Oregon 50, Arkansas State 10. Halftime. Signing off for now, folks.